Wythenshawe Vets have signed Antonio Valencia. Read that sentence again. An amateur side in the Cheshire Vets League — a competition for over-35s — now has a two-time Premier League winner and 339-appearance Manchester United veteran on their books.
The 40-year-old Ecuador international retired from professional football in 2021. Apparently retirement didn't stick.
The squad that shouldn't exist
Valencia isn't even the most decorated player on the pitch when Wythenshawe kick off. That distinction belongs to Emile Heskey, who scored 110 goals across 516 Premier League appearances for Leicester, Liverpool, Birmingham, Wigan and Aston Villa, and earned 62 England caps across a 20-year career. He's playing amateur football on a Sunday afternoon now. Football is strange.
The full squad list reads like a mid-2000s Premier League nostalgia trip:
- Marc Albrighton – 310 Premier League appearances, Leicester City title winner
- Joleon Lescott – former Everton and Manchester City centre-back
- Stephen Ireland – ex-Man City midfielder
- Danny Drinkwater – Chelsea title winner
- Papiss Cissé – Newcastle United striker
- Oumar Niasse – former Everton forward
- Maynor Figueroa – ex-Wigan defender
- Nedum Onuoha, Cameron Jerome, Jefferson Montero
George Boyd, who spent years as a reliable presence for Burnley and Hull, is described as a central point of the team's success. At this level, with that squad, that's not surprising.
Wythenshawe sit top of the Cheshire Vets League Premier Division after winning all seven of their opening games with a goal difference of +54. That's not a competitive league table — that's a demolition job. When you're fielding players with a combined total of well over 2,000 Premier League appearances, you'd hope for a bit of a gap over the opposition.
More than a novelty act
It's easy to frame this as a quirky story and move on, but Wythenshawe are a genuine community club with over 80 teams across men's, women's and junior football. The club put it plainly to BBC Sport: having players who competed at the top level around the environment matters — for volunteers, for younger players coming through, for the whole setup.
Whether Valencia and company are genuinely competitive or just enjoying their football again is almost beside the point. When you're winning seven from seven by an aggregate of 54 goals, the results speak loud enough.
